Monday, August 25, 2008

Another candidate enters Presidential Race

Still unsure on who you want as our next President? Not "thrilled spitless" over Messiah Barry or Juan McSpain? Never fear Hambo is here! The scribbling prince of pagan prose has decided to throw his hat in the ring for President.

Who is Hambo you ask? Hambo is the man... the man with a monkeywrench plan!

From Politically Incorrect Gazette --

Hambo For President? Why The Hell Not?

The Free State OF PIG may have finally found a "too real" candidate for the American Presidency in it's own Executive Editor, Hambo, and we're proud to endorse him as Chief Executive Officer.

Hambo is a real man, a real man with a monkeywrench plan. How real? He's real enough to saddle up, then ride into town with his bull whip attitude to do what these sellout, spineless jellyfish Washington hijackers, sellouts, crooks and pussy's have failed to do for a long time: kick ass and take names. He's real enough to put the American people back in charge of this nation.

As a behind the scenes, closet, adviser to the Hambo campaign - after much beer and Vicadin - I suggested that we do a "Take The Money And Run" road trip, in and out of the White House.

What the hell is that? It's a temporary, very overt, mission called getting in, getting the job done in 30 days or less, then getting out again. If Hambo can resist the Siren song of bell towers, he can clean out that Beltway den of thieves in 30 action-packed days, then get back to The Free State Of PIG as fast as possible, where he can contribute more to American liberty in his editorial capacity than he could inside the Beltway.

I asked Hambo if I could be Vice President, and he said no. I think he wants me to be the getaway driver. Cool with me, as long as I get to serve in what could be a most historic administration.

If you choose to elect either one of the two status quo, future sellout pipsqueaks being pathetically offered up as President, it's not just your business. As a nation, we are ALL going to pay... dearly, during the four miserable years to come.

Grow a real set, think for yourself, don't be a zombie and Vote Hambo.

Do you want a real dude that can not only call the shots, but will show no fear in carrying out Executive orders? Do you want a POTUS who will Executive Order some richly-deserving, America hating wackos who have already made our ‘Executive Order reality check' list? Of course you do, which is why you need to bring your crayons to the polling place this November, and write in Hambo.

Name is Porcus Maximus, publisher, PIG, and I am 100% guilty of endorsing and nominating Hambo For President and his Monkeywrench platform.


It's down to crunch time in the Oval Office Derby and, no matter which way you turn, the outlook is bleak. We saw this one coming and tried to head it off at the pass, MONTHS AGO, when we started our Nudge the Nuge campaign in a Top Story. We knew, at the time, that we’d be hard pressed getting one of America's rugged individuals, Ted Nugent, to give America the kind of kick ass, no bull crap, get back to basics, leadership it needs in this troubled times. Unfortunately, Ted, for reasons of his own, didn't pick up his bow and arrows, then go hunting for the Nanny State venerating legends in their own minds, who were seeking the highest office in this land. Ted was, our last, our best, hope for a rational adult winning the Oval Office, but he doesn't want the job. We don't blame him, given the political cess-pool our Elected Tormentors created inside the D.C. Beltway.

We searched high and low for a rational adult on the political scene and couldn't find one. We searched far and wide among America's sovereign individuals, but couldn't persuade any of them to pick up the fallen 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' banner. They wouldn't be RATIONAL adults if they were willing to seize Uncle Sam by the throat and shake him until he cuts the crap and gets back to properly-constitutional basics.

Bummed, but determined to field a PIG-worthy Oval Office candidate, our elite selection committee met in private session. After a sufficient quantity of adult beverages were ingested, frustration reared its ugly head. "Desperate times call for desperate measures. If we can't find a 'rational' adult, why not go for the gold, and throw our support behind a suitably IRRATIONAL adult?" After a memorable melee, somebody said 'it', and that easily, an insane idea was born.

It? The selection committee realized that, while they were searching high and low, far and wide, a suitably irrational Oval Office candidate was right under their noses, skulking through the hallways of the PIG Bunker. In fact, he got the ball rolling by posting this prose on his PIG page:

I have more or less given up hope that a rational adult - one who is up to speed on the restrictions the constitution places on the government and no shit means to govern under those non-negotiable limitations - will ever be elected president. On the other hand, if someone wants an irrational adult, I am superbly qualified.

My campaign platform would be the "Monkeywrench" plan. As soon as I took office, I would spend every minute before I was impeached, jamming a monkeywrench into the gears of government. That would involve firing anyone and everyone I could within the federal bureaucracy, shutting down entire federal cabals by refusing to allocate the money to them, and generally creating a Gordian Knot-class mess that it will take DECADES to unravel.

Irrational? Why deny it, since he freely admits it? Like we said, a few moments ago, desperate times, desperate measures. How desperate are we? Very, and ‘Hambo for President’ proves it. You might be tempted to agree, but, before you make that call, you should get up to speed on certain essential Hambo campaign planks.

Plank: Foreign Policy

Hambo doesn't tolerate fools, and has no patience whatsoever, when it comes to the kind of word games perpetrated by our foreign policy experts. If he resists the urge to order a tactical nuclear strike on the State Department, on his first day in office, he'll probably fire every damn person lurking there and, personally, frog march them out of the building. With those mealy mouthed fools out of our misery Hambo would give every nation in the world a reality check. How? You'll love it.

Every Monday morning, he'd give his personal assistant - he's determined to give Kendra from 'Girls Next Door' the job - his latest list of 'asshat countries'. Kendra would arrange for the top diplomat from each country on the list to meet me in the Oval Office, where they would have the name of their country written down and put inside Uncle Sam’s top hat. Then, a randomly chosen American would get to pull out the name of the winner.

The name of the winner will be announced and its ambassador informed that his nation will be nuked, immediately, for being a pain in Uncle Sam’s butt. This mushroom cloud reality check will remind all the other pissant nations who dodged that nuclear bullet why they don’t want to screw with us. (Hambo promises to repeat the process, until the pissant punks get the message.)

Hambo explains this policy with these utterly presidential words: "What's the point in being the meanest dog on the block if you don't bite someone occasionally, to engender the proper respect?"

Plank: Justice for Ramos and Compean

Hambo has promised that his first task after being sworn in will be to liberate these two political prisoners from federal prison. As soon as they are free, they will be given the honor of dragging Johnny Sutton into solitary confinement, at Club Gitmo. Furthermore, if they want to job, Ramos and Compean will be granted complete control over the care, feeding, and enlightenment of Johnny Sutton. The job is theirs, for as long as it amuses them.

Hambo insists that, "It's time for that rat bastard Sutton to get a new perspective on the American graybar hotel system, from the inside. If it's up to me, he'll rot in that cell."

Plank: Privatize the Airwaves

Since the airwaves never were, and never should be the property of "the public", Hambo would force Uncle Sam to renounce any pretense of owning them. The airwaves are - and should be - the rightful property of the broadcasters who give them value. Hambo would return control of the airwaves to the marketplace, where it belongs. The FCC would be out of the content business and put to work on their original task: making sure that broadcasters don’t trample on each other’s signal.

If Brent Bozell, Donald Wildmon and others of that ilk don’t like what these new airwave owners are doing with their property, they should grab their own patch of the electromagnetic spectrum and broadcast their own ‘safe for the kiddies’ programming.

If Dingy Harry Reid and San Fran Nan are tired of VRWC, they will be forced to grab their own piece of the electromagnetic spectrum. Maybe they can find a way to make rational adults tune in on lunatic lefty whining. It’s probably doomed to failure, but watching another liberal boom box network bite the dust would be very entertaining for President Hambo.

Would the ensuing, privatized airwaves, programming deluge be butt ugly in many cases? You bet, but that’s a price you pay when you live in a nation that does more than give lip service to inalienable individual liberty.

Plank: Presidential News Conferences

Hambo has vowed to meet with the press on a daily basis. Knowing that, by and large, a White House press conference is a well-known cure for insomnia, Hambo has promised to make his encounters must see, T.V. He vows to electrify his audience by making the reporters draw straws. That luck short straw earns the rare honor of being tasered by the President of the United States. [FYI: Mrs. Hambo has declared dibs on tasering Helen Thomas.]

Do you want a president whose idea of a ‘hot line’ is having a direct connection to the best pizza joint in town? You’ll get him when you punch a chad for Hambo.

Do you want a president who will wage war on Nanny State bloat by taking a meat axe to the federal alphabet soup: EPA, DEA, EEOC, FDA, IRS, etc? Hambo is the man with the monkeywrench plan.

Do you a want a president whose ‘inner circle’ includes Old Betsy and her pumped up brother, Big Bang? You’re talking Hambo, again, Sparky.

Do you want a president with the vision to propose a trial lawyer hunting season? Hambo’s your man.

Do you want a president whose idea of a state dinner is a kegger with the burgers and pizza served by the Hooters hotties? Hambo’s the man to git ‘er done. Hell, if you play your cards right and he’ll send you an invitation.

Do you want an utterly irrational adult who will scare the snot out of Islamikazes, Commie scumbags, Nanny State Nitwits, Korrectniks, and neo-Marxist meatheads? Hambo’s the man for the job.

Do you want a loose cannon who will really send lefty Tinsel Town loons fleeing for Europe? You know what you’ve gotta do, Sparky.

Vote Early. Vote Often. Vote Hambo.

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